he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
