i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
