Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
