WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
