If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
