That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm passing your future prison.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
