just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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