Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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