The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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