neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
