You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
