some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
