i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
