Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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