Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize