Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
