she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
