just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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