some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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