I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
