Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
