True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
