I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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