Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
