My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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