hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
