I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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