sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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