Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
