I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I can't turn off my feet"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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