Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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