She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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