I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
