I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
