I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
