Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
