i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
