What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
