i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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