Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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