I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
