Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
