you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
