and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
