he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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