Where is the hickey?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
