Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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