Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize