Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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