remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
