Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
