you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
