Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
