Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
