note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
