He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
