my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
