I look better un-naked...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
sex in a hospital.. check
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
