Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
